Earlier this year Sarah and I got hammered and watched MAY, some lameass horror movie Sarah picked off of her infamous “horror movie spreadsheet.” It was terrible; the only cool aspect was Anna Faris, who played a hot lesbian. But even this wasn’t enough to elevate the movie to “watchable.”

Afterwords, we decided it would be a good idea to write a review for Amazon.com, so that others would be forewarned as to as to how crappy MAY was, and thus might not rent it. (Honestly, illegally downloading the movie wouldn’t even make the endeavor worthwhile.) Our review lasted about five minutes on Amazon, most likely due to the fact that there was a bunch of swearing and I likened watching the movie to watching a dragon fuck a car.

This morning I found a copy of that review on my lappy, buried for some reason in a sub-subfolder. So for your reading pleasure, I submit the following:

MAY was in two words, boring and terrible. Possibly not in that order. As I write this, I consider this movie to be one of the greatest debacles in Hollywood’s long, glorious history.

No, no. That’s giving the movie too much credit. I’d rather watch a video clip of a dragon having sex with a Honda (splooge and all) than this piece of shit, waste of a perfectly good 99 cent DVD.

Where was I?

Oh yes. MAY’s sole redeeming quality (and I do mean sole) is the half-hearted lesbian tryst. Anna Ferris is a total babe. In fact, if she were our president, she’d be Babraham Lincoln. And probably still a hell of a lot better than George W. Bush.

Seriously. Fuck this movie, and fuck you if you decide to watch it after this oh-so-eloquent review.

Really…fuck you.

That title is not really being fair to the new Bond movie, QUANTUM OF SOLACE; I just wanted to be like every film critic out there and make some sort of derogatory pun off the film’s title.

QUANTUM is actually a perfectly serviceable action movie, plenty full of chases, hand-to-hand fights, and choppy editing. It’s barely recognizable as a Bond film, though. Aside from the character’s name, penchant for banging attractive women he’s known all of five minutes, and wrinkly old, party-pooper M, Daniel Craig’s James Bond could really be any other tortured action hero out there. Like Jason Bourne.

And that’s where this movie ultimately fails. It so desperately wants to Be like the BOURNE movies it forgot what’s supposed to make it a James Bond movie: a sense of fun. Even during CASINO ROYALE, as dark and violent as it was, you never forgot you were watching a 007 movie. This was a new Bond, a younger, more violent and raw chap, but you felt like you were watching a Bond in training. In QUANTUM — the first direct sequel in the Bond pantheon — all of this is thrown out the window. Bond spends most of the film miserable and vengeful, intent on hunting down the organization that killed the only woman he ever loved in the first film.

In the end, he does succeed in bringing in the man responsible, but he’s not any happier for it, and certainly no closer to being the James Bond we’re used to seeing. Hopefully the next film — which I’m sure is already being planned — will change this.

Charlton Heston is dead:

Charlton Heston, who won the 1959 best actor Oscar as the chariot-racing “Ben-Hur” and portrayed Moses, Michelangelo, El Cid and other figures in movie epics of the ’50s and ’60s, has died. He was 84.

The actor died Saturday night at his home in Beverly Hills with his wife Lydia at his side, family spokesman Bill Powers said.

[. . .]

With his large, muscular build, well-boned face and sonorous voice, Heston proved the ideal star during the period when Hollywood was filling movie screens with panoramas depicting the religious and historical past. “I have a face that belongs in another century,” he often remarked.

Publicist Michael Levine, who represented Heston for about 20 years, said the actor’s passing represented the end of an iconic era for cinema.

“If Hollywood had a Mt. Rushmore, Heston’s face would be on it,” Levine said. “He was a heroic figure that I don’t think exists to the same degree in Hollywood today.”

Heston was one of my favorite actors. His historical films like THE TEN COMMANDMENTS and BEN-HUR were sweet, but my favorites were his later, sci-fi stuff: PLANET OF THE APES, SOYLENT GREEN (which I wrote about here a couple of months ago), and THE OMEGA MAN.

Everyone remembers Heston as a crazy sort of gun nut who chaired the NRA for a number of years, but back in the Fifties he was an activist in the civil rights movement, publicly speaking out against segregation before it was fashionable in Hollywood and marching with Martin Luther Kin Jr in Washington D.C.

Charlton Heston was a badass, a man’s man. His death, though not unexpected, is still very sad news.

JAB

Does it make me a bad person because I don’t see anything inherently wrong with the idea behind Soylent Green?

For those who haven’t ever seen it and don’t wish to know the big “secret” of the film, I suggest not reading on. Continue at your own peril. Ye be warned.

Well, I guess I’m really not a nice guy, since I think turning people into processed food is a perfectly marvelous idea. Which is what happens in the dystopic future Soylent Green is set in. (If you’d like to read a nice summary of the film, I suggest Wikipedia.)

This should not, however, be confused with me proclaiming that we should give carte blanche to the Powers That Be to turn old people into food for the rest of us. Though that might be the perfect way to turn homeless people and people constantly on welfare into productive members of society.

Kidding.

First, let me provide a little bit of info about the film so that maybe you’ll understand what the hell I’m talking about. In a horrible future (2022, I believe), the environment is decaying, disease runs rampant, and the world is in the throes of massive overpopulation — so much so, that stairways of apartment buildings are packed full of homeless people — and the government has had to resort to creative, authoritarian methods to keeps things running. Not running smoothly, but just running. One company, the Soylent Corporation, produces these sort of nutrient wafers that feed over half the world’s population. Throughout the film, the main character, a detective (played by my man, Charlton Heston), tries to unravel the mystery surrounding the murder of a man on the Soylent board of directors. Stuff happens, more people die, Heston bangs a hot piece of “furniture” (def. “an attractive young woman who serves as both domestic help and sex object to the rich” — who says the future is all bad, eh? Again with the kidding.) at the dead man’s apartment, and then he winds up at a dead-body-disposal/food-manufacturing plant. Here he discovers, egads, that “Soylent Green is people!”

It’s at this point in the movie that I find myself, not shocked or horrified, but saying, “So what?” I think it’s a great idea that shows foresight, ingenuity, and an ability to make hard decision. As I see it, turning dead people into food for the starving, teeming masses is just another form of recycling. Really, where is the logic in trying to dispose of a bunch of corpses in a future where space is already at a premium? That’s about as logical as sticking your head up a butcher’s ass to get a look at t-bone steak, instead of taking the cow’s word for it.

To be fair, the film does try to twist the knife a little more near the end. Heston prophesies that soon, “they’ll be turning people into cattle.” This could be a valid concern, and I would have some issues with that. Recycling dead people and breeding humans for slaughter are two entirely different matters . . . though both have some merit.

Overall, the film is pretty damn effective. It’s an engaging sci-fi noir, and probably more importantly, it serves as a thoughtful warning of what might happen if the human race keeps on raping the Earth — or waterboarding Gaia, if you prefer — the way it has been since the Industrial Revolution.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to make myself a snack. All this talk of food is making me hungry.

JAB

. . . at least that’s what I think I should be saying, except I’m not.

I’ve been stoked about Indy IV since it was first announced, back in ‘00. This excitement has grown exponentially since then, especially this year, since the movie is coming out in a little over three months. The teaser trailer was released today and I just watched it, as you now can below:

And now I’m a little unsettled, like someone’s whispering in my ear but I’m alone. Or like when every time I watch el Jefe Bush speak, my stomach mildly churns, and I wonder, How could so many people have voted for this man . . . twice?

Sure, it makes me all goose-pimplely, as it should. But it just feels . . . off. I don’t know if it’s just that it’s been so damn long since a new Indiana Jones film (nearly 20 years), or if it’s that the bits of film featured in the trailer look too polished. Too cartoony. Almost like a caricature of an Indy film.

Perhaps I’m reading too much into it. After all, it’s only maybe a minute’s worth of actual footage. The film is still at the rough cut stage; the entire tone of the film could change drastically between now and May 22nd. Regardless, I’ll still be in theaters at midnight on May 21st.

But, man. I still got chills — the good kind — when John Williams’s awesome score faded in . . .

JAB

Okay, I can see why people get hooked on “Heroes.” I’m only two episodes in and I know I’m fucking hooked. Very few shows have this good a writing staff. I’ll be curious to see if they can keep it up, not only over the course of a season, but over several seasons. So long as they don’t make it up as they go like I hear the guys at “Lost” are doing, then this show can go on as long as the creators can keep making us care. If only “Smallville” would learn this painful but extremely necessary lesson and just. Fucking. Die already.

I should also mention that the acting is top-notch. Every actor gives his or her role nuance and depth. Couple that with interesting and meaningful character development, and an ability to craft an intriguing cliffhanger at (presumably) the end of each episode, makes “Heroes” one of the best shows on television. I’m just happy I have another 16 episodes on DVR to catch up with.

JAB

Fucking Awesome:

George Lucas said Friday that filming of the long-awaited “Indiana Jones” movie will begin next year. Harrison Ford, who appeared in the three earlier flicks, the last one coming in 1989, is set to star again. Lucas said he and Steven Spielberg recently finalized the script for the film.

“It’s going to be fantastic. It’s going to be the best one yet,” the 62-year-old filmmaker said during a break from preparing for his duties as grand marshal of Monday’s Rose Parade.

Exact film locations have not been decided yet, but Lucas said part of the movie will be shot in Los Angeles.

The fourth chapter of the “Indiana Jones” saga, which will hit theaters in May 2008, has been in development for over a decade with several screenwriters taking a crack at the script, but it only recently gained momentum.

Lucas kept mum about the plot, but said that the latest action flick will be a “character piece” that will include “very interesting mysteries.”

“I think it’s going to be really cool,” Lucas said.

At the inaugural Rome Film Festival in October, the 64-year-old Ford said he was excited to team up with Lucas and Spielberg again for the fourth “Indiana Jones” installment. Ford said he was “fit to continue” to play the title role despite his age.

Ford played Indiana Jones in 1981’s “Raiders of the Lost Ark,” 1984’s “Temple of Doom” and 1989’s “The Last Crusade.”

Lucas praised Ford for breathing life into his character.

“Mostly it’s the charm of Harrison that makes it work,” he said.

This has immediately become the movie I’m most looking forward to despite the fact that it won’t come out for another year and a half. What can I say? It’s how I roll.

JAB

Another Thanksgiving has come and gone. I like the holiday, because I adore turkey and mashed potatoes, but otherwise it’s just another day — albeit one that I don’t have to work. So yeah, I guess I really dig Thanksgiving because of that. I didn’t get any extra days off, per se . . . but I worked half-days on Wednesday and Friday, out by noon, so I guess I should shut my fucking mouth and stop complaining.

It’s been a good few days. Just got back from Nate’s a bit ago. He, his girlfriend Michelle, and myself did some shopping (I got two shirts at Target!), then went back to his house and watched the newly purchased The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift. It was enjoyable, in that corny sort of way the franchise is known for. The cars were sweet, and, of course, it didn’t have the most awkward-looking actor in Hollywood in it: Paul “Bro” Walker.

Speaking of movies, I also saw the new Bond movie earlier in the week. Casino Royale is for the most part a really cool movie. Daniel Craig makes a badass James Bond, though I’ll have to see what he’s like in at least another Bond movie before I can proclaim him my favorite. He’s a much more detached character, playing Bond early in his 007 career. Much less smooth and suave, a little more hard-nosed; by the end of the movie, however, you see the beginnings of the slow transformation into a Sean Connery-esque secret agent. The film itself, though a tad overlong, did a good job of setting the stage for some of the familiar Bond tropes: like why he’s such a goddamn womanizer and why he wears tuxedos. The movie’s worth seeing solely for the excellent foot chase that occurs towards the beginning. I saw it and I went, “Damn.”

Time to go pound away at Vengeance Interruptus a little more before bed.

JAB

The pseudo-actual trailer for The Simpsons Movie has been released. (I say “pseudo” because there isn’t a whole lot more there than in the teaser.) You may have already seen it if you watched this past Sunday’s episode. I don’t know this first-hand, of course; I wouldn’t because I forgot to record the episode. But I do have it on reliable authority (read: the Internet) that it aired then.

There isn’t much substance to the trailer, but it’s pretty clever and did put a smile on my face. I like that it’s so proud of its 2D status, and rightfully so. It seems goddamn CGI movies are everywhere these days. And besides, a 3D Simpsons movie would just be immoral; a crime against humanity, if you will.

You can watch the trailer here. Or here if you still have puny dial-up.

JAB

I do believe that the fix on [adult swim] is one of the finer pleasures of the Internet — aside from pr0n, of course. Because of adult swim fix, I can watch The Venture Bros., Metalocalpyse, and Robot Chicken online, commercial free, without having to remember to watch/record them when they air on the television. All three shows are routinely brilliant, though Venture Bros. is still my favorite. And when Aqua Teen Hunger Force starts running new episodes at the end of the month, I can watch those too. Being able to watch shows on teh Interweebs is, I think, the next best thing to having TiVo. I just wish other stations would do the same with their shows.

Speaking of other shows, I downloaded and then watched the newest episode of South Park, the one where “the boys dedicate their lives to defeating a mad gamer and saving the World of Warcraft.” (If you like, you can watch the first half of the episode on YouTube here and the second half here.) Once again South Parks proves to be one of the better-written and funnier shows on television, putting plot and a cynical “message” over irrelevant site gags and increasingly unfunny “shock” humor. It beats the hell out of Family Guy (season 4 and on, at least), that’s for fucking sure.

JAB